knows, but this is funny
man comes into the ER and yells "My wife's going to have her baby in the
cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress,
and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there are several
cabs, and I was in the wrong one.
the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf
female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes,
they used to be," remorsed the patient.
day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had
died of a massive myocardial infarction. Not more than five minutes later, I heard
her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal
was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed
the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with
your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now your left."
flawless read. "Now both," I requested. There was silence. He couldn't
even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done
exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I
was laughing too hard to finish the exam.
During a patient's two week
follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed his doctor that he was
having trouble with one of his medications.
one?", asked the doctor. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new
one every six hours and now I'm running out of places; to put it!" The doctor
had him quickly undress and discovered what he hoped he wouldn't see.
the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include removal
of the old patch before applying a new one.
acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you
been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered, "Why,
not for about twenty years -- when my husband was alive."
was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So how's your breakfast
this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly.
can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. I then asked to
see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."
And of course,
the best is saved for last: The Surgeon's Note: A nurse was on duty in the Emergency
Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting
a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined
that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery.
When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that
her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read,
"Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote
a short note that said I had to mow the grass.